


Yearning Again Only to Be Myself

by tillthestarsevaporate



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Avatrice, F/F, First Kiss, Fix-It, One Shot, i can't stop thinking about these two
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25852480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tillthestarsevaporate/pseuds/tillthestarsevaporate
Summary: “That's not what scares me,” Ava corrected her, whispering. “What scares me is being alone. Abandoned in some sickbed with no one to... with no one.”Beatrice didn’t need to think this time. “But that will never happen.” She was surer of nothing else. “It wouldn't matter if you were quadriplegic, festooned with boils”—Beatrice smiled—“or a talking head in a bag. You would still have us.”You would still have me, she wanted to say. “And we will never leave you.”Or: THAT scene from 1x08, except they kiss this time.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 28
Kudos: 457





	Yearning Again Only to Be Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write this as soon as I finished binging the season. I don't know if someone has already written something similar, so please point me to them if that's the case! I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed rewatching that scene and writing this short one-shot!  
> The title is from _Unleashed_ by Epica.

It has been almost two minutes since Ava phased into the brick wall, and Beatrice was beginning to worry. Hearing Ava in the earpiece was her only assurance that Ava was still breathing.

She could hear her panting now.

“Just past the halfway point,” Beatrice reassured her. “You're doing great!”

“How far am I?” Ava asked, and Beatrice didn’t need to look for the answer on the tablet—she hadn’t looked anywhere else since Ava entered.

“Fourteen feet.”

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck, fuck!” Beatrice winced but only for a second. Her mind was busy worrying about more important things.

“Concentrate,” she told Ava. She told herself. “This wall is your fear.” A pause. “It's your deepest pain. Why can't you get through it?”

Ava’s panting became louder, as if she had the answer and started panicking more at her own realisation.

“What's stopping you?”

“I don't have enough energy.”

Beatrice shook her head. “That's not it.”

“Yes, it is.”

“That is a physical limitation. It's not what's in your soul.”

Ava cried. “Yes, it fucking well is!” Beatrice was too taken aback by Ava’s tone to wince. “Because if I drain the Halo, I go back to being paralysed.”

Beatrice blinked her eyes shut for a few moments, not saying anything. When she spoke again, as gently as she could, she said, “That's what you're afraid of. Paralysis.”

“That's not what scares me,” Ava corrected her, whispering. “What scares me is being alone. Abandoned in some sickbed with no one to... with no one.”

Beatrice didn’t need to think this time. “But that will never happen.” She was surer of nothing else. “It wouldn't matter if you were quadriplegic, festooned with boils”—she smiled—“or a talking head in a bag. You would still have us.” _You would still have me_ , she wanted to say. “And we will _never_ leave you.”

“You mean that?”

“You know I do.” Beatrice wanted to tell her how much brighter the days felt since she came into her life. She wanted to tell her she never would have thought herself capable of overlooking—even forgiving—swearing until Ava showed up. She wanted to tell her much more.

“Ava?” Beatrice said when she noticed the silence. She looked at Ava's progress on the tablet, walking to the other side of the brick wall.

“Sixteen, crossing seventeen.” 

“Eighteen.” Beatrice was breathing faster.

“Nearly there... Nineteen.”

Ava emerged, landing in her arms.

“Oh!”

Beatrice dropped the tablet, falling to her knees to catch Ava, and held her in her arms while she caught her breath. Despite how she landed, Ava’s nearness still managed to make Beatrice hold her breath. This time, she fully wrapped her arms around Ava, unlike that first time she'd had no idea what to do with her hands when Ava was crying and hugged her.

“You made it!” she said, pulling away to look at Ava. Her hands cupped Ava’s head, her thumb touching her cheek for a second.

_What was she doing?_

She repeated the movements, her thumb moving back and forth, touching Ava’s ear. She caressed Ava’s cheek, the back of her head, her fingers twining between strands of hair. 

She didn’t know how it happened, but one moment she was staring at Ava, the next the atmosphere in the room quieted, and she felt the tension in the air like rivulets.

 _What did people do in these situations?_ She couldn’t even catch her breath. How was she supposed to think when oxygen wasn’t reaching her brain?

“Only thanks to you,” Ava said.

She wasn’t supposed to think, maybe that was it. She looked from Ava's lips to her eyes, back to her lips.

She didn’t notice the thought that made her decide to lean in. Only an inch or so.

_Oh God, was she actually doing this?_

She touched Ava’s neck—

Then the logical part of her brain made a comeback, forcing her to look away and clear her throat. _She couldn't take the risk_ , it told her, _only to end up getting her heart broken when Ava inevitably told her she wasn’t into girls._

What she didn’t account for was that it wasn’t only up to her, because Ava pulled her head and turned it towards her.

Beatrice’s breathing was low, ragged, and she stared as Ava leaned in in slow motion. By the time Ava’s lips were only breaths from hers, Beatrice couldn’t breathe.

And then their lips touched.

Their lips touched and Beatrice forgot breathing was a thing.

Dare she hope?

She was too slow to respond, so when she didn’t kiss Ava back immediately, Ava pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” Ava said between rapid breaths, looking away.

“Don’t be,” whispered Beatrice. In a rush of confidence, her trembling hands pulled Ava’s face back to hers. She didn’t hesitate as she closed her eyes and crashed their lips together. 

Every sound around her was muted. The only thing she heard was her heart beating loudly in her ears, faster and faster. For once, she allowed herself to get lost in the moment.

For once, she allowed herself to simply _be_.

She had no control over her hands as they slid down Ava’s shoulders, down her arms to her palms. She held Ava’s hands tightly, too aware of how soft they were, as she pulled her lips away, resting her forehead against Ava’s. Her eyes remained shut. She was panting. And from the sound of it, Ava was also clearly struggling but squeezed her hands back nonetheless.

“That was…” Beatrice found herself saying.

Ava sighed. “Yeah.”

When Beatrice opened her eyes and pulled her head slightly farther, Ava was staring at her lips, then her eyes, and her lips again. So she let go of Ava’s hands to move hers up to Ava’s head, slowly tracing her fingers through her hair. Ava looked her in the eye, still disoriented. The look she saw in those eyes left no room for doubt.

So she did the only thing a sensible nun would do.

She kissed Ava Silva again.

This time, it lasted longer, her lips pushing Ava’s, trying to experience as much as possible even though she didn’t know how much more her heart could handle. She felt something, not lips, pushing harder against her lips so she parted them, and when Ava’s tongue first touched hers, she heard a moan. It wasn’t until she heard another one seconds later that she realised the first one had come from her.

A moan. From _her_.

She pulled away, her face heating up even more than it did in the frenzy of feelings that consumed her.

“You okay?” Ava asked. Beatrice nodded repeatedly. She wanted to tell Ava she did nothing wrong, but she didn’t know how to form the words, so she smiled instead, hoping Ava would infer things on her own.

She cleared her throat, quickly putting an end to an awkward moment. It was still hard to speak, but she managed, doing her best to get through the words.

“We need to keep testing. Figure out how long it takes to recharge, so we can get you out of that tomb. Think you're up for a few more tries?”

When Ava agreed, Beatrice said, “I'll be there every step of the way.”

Ava’s smile was a thing of beauty.


End file.
